Courtesy of Herd - the hidden truth about who we are

Have you ever said to yourself I wish I could do it all over again? You imagine that you’d do a better job of developing your relationship if only you could roll back the clock and start fresh? These feelings are usually your mental admission that you’ve been wrong in some areas of your relationship. You’re experiencing some regret now that you’re in your quiet time and can think things through. Harsh words, unfounded suspicions, temper tantrums and unrealistic expectations have dampened the enthusiasm you had for your life spent with that special someone.

Though we don’t like to admit it we know that there are consequences associated with our decisions. This reality only adds fuel to the fire of regret we endure. Our quiet time musings create long lists of “what ifs” and “we could have if only…” So we beat ourselves up because we have concluded that whatever is left is all we can hope for. Believe me you’re not the only one struggling in this area.

Well, I’ve got good news! I am going to get to the good news in a moment, but first a story. I chuckled when I wrote, “I’ve got good news” because I remembered a story where that phrase was the punch line. It was a small country church full of the fire of festive singing commonly called praise and worship. The atmosphere was charged with excitement because the church service was right there in that sweet spot of praise. All of a sudden, a loud voice was heard- so loud in fact that it caught the attention of the pastor. There in the balcony was a lady a “sister” frantically waving her hands while shouting to the top of her lungs the words “Pastor, I’ve got good news.”

It’s most unusual to have such an interruption in the church services. This fact heightened the expectation of all present and convinced the pastor that he should make an exception and allow everyone to hear this “good news.” The music stopped at his direction and a hush came over the congregation, as all ears were open to hear what God would say to them through his servant the “good news” crier.

All right sister what is the good news? “Pastor, pastor, I just wanted everyone to know that they are selling chicken wings for only $ .79 cents a pound at Piggly Wiggly’s!” What? You mean you interrupted the church service over some chicken wings…?

Ok, back to the real good news. My good news is that you don’t have to roll back the hands on the clock! Starting over is as simple as making the decision to change what you do and how you do it. You have the power to change your situation! Yes, it’s that simple. What is stopping you from changing? Nothing. If you know you react negatively and too quickly in everyday situations, slow up. If you know you are too suspicious of your companion even when there is no evidence to justify your misgivings. Stop it!

The change will be so dramatic that it will seem to all like Christmas. I dare say that your companion is hoping that things will get better. It is probably why they are still with you. Hope is a powerful motivation. Reward them by making the decision to build your relationship by showing you have the wherewithal to change.

You don’t have time to waste, but you do have enough time to make it work. You can be happy. You can be successful, and you can do it right now. Free yourself from regret, free your companion from frustration and set an example your children will be happy to imitate. In fact, you don’t even need help. This project you can do all by yourself. You only need to believe that “You have the power to change!” Use the power!

This was it!  It was our second chance for happiness.  We were going to make sure we did everything right this time.  We read every book, newsletter, magazine and article that we could get our hands on about step-families.  We learned to take things slow and keep our expectations low.  We even planned a small, family wedding ceremony that included the boys.  After all, they were getting married too.

After being married for two months, I remember people asking how things were going with our new step-family.  We gladly responded, “Great!”  “We haven’t had any problems.  The boys get along very well.”  We even told each other that we must have done things right, because this step-family thing isn’t so hard after all.  Well, after a short honeymoon period, we began to experience normal step-family struggles.  Although they are normal, they are stressful and emotionally draining to all involved.

I brought two boys into the marriage, Corbin, age 7, and Chandler, age 6, and Mark brought one son, Zach, age 5, into the marriage.  Corbin is the most easy-going, even tempered, go-with-the-flow (this trait is especially important in a step-family) child you will ever meet.  Although he can be awfully oblivious at times, he is also very smart.  He is an honor student and plays baseball and football.  Corbin saw the advantages to being part of two families early on (two Birthdays, two Christmases, etc.) which helped his adjustment period.  Chandler is incredibly witty, kind-hearted, athletic, and full of life.  He does not like change and is very protective of his mom.  Chandler is also an honor student and plays football and baseball.  Zach is very energetic, caring, generous, and talkative.  Zach also does not like change and can at times be sensitive.  Zach too is an honor student and swims and plays football.  Having three boys one year apart each in age presents enough challenges without adding being part of a step-family to the mix.  And having two boys that were very resistant to change didn’t help either since step-family life is full of change.

After about three months, Chandler and Zach realized that this remarriage was real and that their parents were not going to reconcile after all.  With the realization that this new life was not going to end, Chandler and Zach seemed to blame each other for their disappointment.  We routinely heard “I hate him,” and “He hates me!”  They both thought that they were too different to get along.  They thought they didn’t like any of the same things or didn’t have anything in common.  At this point, Mark and I both thought, “I guess this is what step-family life is all about?”  We were confused, but realized that just like every other family, we were not perfect.  This is what all the books, newsletters, and articles were talking about.  We both felt caught in the middle.  You feel your child’s pain like it is your own, but are you capable of making everyone happy all the time?  As parents, we feel it’s our job to “fix” everything.  But how do you fix broken hearts, disappointments, grief, and feelings of insecurity?  You can’t force two people to love and care for one another.

After much, much discussion, Mark and I realized that their problem was not that they were too different, but that they were too much alike.  Of course, they didn’t see it that way.  They were only focused on the differences that divided them.  Mark and I are firm believers in the power of positive thinking and lots of prayer.  We know that a positive attitude can overcome anything, so by changing their perspective about their similarities and differences, we felt that we could change their attitudes.

We started by pointing out all the things that they had in common.  Some of them were small and insignificant (like the fact that neither of them liked to eat at dinner time but loved to snack or that they usually picked out the same toys) and others were not (they were both smart and in the gifted program or that they shared a lot of the same personality traits). Each day on a continual basis we continued redirect their focus to how much alike they were instead of how different they were.  Slowly but surely, they started to find common ground and began to get along.  They quit letting their differences divide them and became friends.  Now they truly care for and love one another.  They would never openly admit it, but what brothers would?  We tell the boys that “brother” is something you feel in your heart – not a matter of biology.

The change did not take place overnight, nothing does in a step-family, but the change in perspective that changed their attitudes toward each other has changed our whole family’s lives.  Now all three boys, who are currently 8, 9, and 10, get along as well or better than the biological brothers that we come in contact with.  I know that this is not the only challenge we will face, but with the power of positive thinking, changing your perspective and attitude, and guidance from God, I know that we will overcome even the teenage years.  It won’t be easy, but anything worth it never is.

     
      I prayed for my grandchildren this morning as is my custom.  I found myself focusing attention on my oldest – Khemberlyn.  This was not because she is my favorite because I love and cherish all my children in both generations.  I paid attention to her in that prayer because she just turned 5 and is about to enter public school.
     Since birth our family has had almost exclusive access to her attention.  This access allowed us to enjoy powerful influence in her life.  Now, she is about to broaden her horizons and mingle with children who come from different backgrounds, cultures and whose parents have different life philosophies.  I know that her parents and her grandparents will now compete with others to influence her thinking and shape her perspectives.  Clearly, we need the help of God.  I was praying to keep ahead of the game.
     After prayer I went to breakfast with one of the groups of our church.  We’re on a little weekend church trip.  It was a low-key event where fellowship and sharing was the main activity of the hour.  Right after eating their own meals, various members got up and mingled with others engaging in small talk.  Of course, being in close proximity to them, it was impossible not to hear some of the conversations.  The one that caught my attention was that of an old “mother in Zion.”  She started sharing her concerns and the content of her prayers with the saints sitting at the table next to mine.  I want to see my son saved.
     What really got me was how open and honest she was about her son’s spiritual bankruptcy.  She outlined his struggles, albeit in a respectful manner, and then told of how she continues to pray for him.  She said, “my son is 53 years old, but I cannot give up on him.  I believe that one day God is going to save my son.”  Oh, you could just feel that mother’s love for her son and the confidence she had in her God.
     I could hardly keep my seat or continue to act like I wasn’t listening.  This mother’s voice was strong, filled with resolve, but noticeably void of worry or impatience.  She had a strong faith that God was going to save her son.  Here I was praying for the Lord to protect and keep my five-year-old granddaughter, but this mother had been on her knees for over fifty years interceding for her son and still believing that God was a prayer answering God.  She was not giving up.
     Her resolve reminded me of a conversion I witnessed in my home church while a very young man.  On one particular Sunday the service was in high gear; the preacher presented a powerful rendition of the saving grace message of Jesus Christ.  Suddenly, an old woman made her way to salvation’s altar walking in a deliberate but slow pace.  Her eyes were so dim that the glasses she needed were thicker than a magnifying glass.  But she made her way straight to the altar.  She was of Jamaican decent.  Her speech was heavily laced with that delightful accent.
     “I am eighty four years old,” she began.  “I’ve lived my entire life, but I never heard of this wonderful savior called Jesus.  I am so grateful to know that he let me live to hear about his magnificent grace.”  Every Sunday thereafter she would stand up and wait for her turn to testify about her love for Jesus.  For some it was hard to believe that she was a recent convert because she spoke so eloquently about her new found savior.  Her testimonies electrified the services.  She was eighty-four when she received salvation.  She lived almost  two months more and then she rested in the loving arms of her savior. 
     Never give up!  Your prayers are neither wasted nor ineffective.  And why?  Because with God all things are possible.  Time is not his limitation; it is only a tool in his hands.  He is no respecter of persons and is good unto all that call upon him.  He is, after all, a prayer answering God.  Never give up!

Bishop Clifford L. Frazier

P.S. I finished my blog while traveling back home.  It was ready.  All I needed to do was get to my Internet connection and post it.  I got home and turned on the radio.  CNN had a show on dealing with people who had near death experiences.  I was about to turn the channel when the reporter asked the survivors what they took away from their experiences and this is what they said: “Never Give Up!”  I almost jumped out of my seat.  There is no question in my mind but that God is speaking.  I know that sometimes God gives to an individual something that is meant for them only.  So, you may be reading this and saying “ho hum.”  But I’ll have to take that chance.  Because I do believe that for someone this is a word of instruction, inspiration and insight – “Never Give Up.”

Tags: Nevergiveup, perserverance, inspiration, technorev, battleforthefamily, survival, CliffordL.Frazier,

No one told me that having grandchildren would bring me so much joy and happiness.  I suspected that I was going to love having “grands,” and I was sure that I’d be a good grandfather.  But I never thought I’d fall this hard.  I just flat out love my grands!  I’m blessed to see them almost everyday.  They all attend the daycare center of the church I pastor.

At the end of the day, I look forward to hearing the noise of their little feet as they race to come to my office.  Always bright and excited, they come for their hugs and kisses that I’m all too eager to give.  Of course, they soon start touching things on my desk.  They rearrange things on my shelves.  And they are always looking for some candy or other treats to eat.  Are they spoiled?  I answer unashamedly – Yes!  Leave all that discipline stuff to their parents.  Sure, I huff and puff every now and then, but they know they’ve got me wrapped.

Mama and I have two daughters who each gave me two grandchildren.  My oldest daughter, Leah, gave us two sons, and my “babygirl” Janelle gave us two daughters.  Khemberlyn, my oldest has me under her spell, and she put me there on the day she was born.  Nylah, my second, has a very strong will, but she is so full of love.  Her affection is like the juice of a sweet peach that bursts out when you bite into it and runs down your arm to your elbow.  Jayden, my third, whose name means the Lord has heard, is “My Man!”  He makes me feel like I’m his champion.  Whenever he sees me, no matter what he’s doing, I can count on him dropping that and come running to see me.  If I leave, he has a fit if he can’t go with me.  And then there’s Landon, my L.A.M. of God, my miracle fourth.  Now you know I’ve got videos – http://gallery.me.com/technorev#100071.  Indeed his birth is its own story, but suffice it to say here that it is our whole family’s miracle from God.

The point of this story is to say again just how much the grandchildren can bring love, joy, peace and happiness into your life.  The other day the whole family came over to help Mama and me clean the house.  We decided to do a major job of freshning up the homestead.  It was now quite late.  We all were winding down looking forward to going to bed.  Both grandsons had already left with their parents.  But my granddaughters were still with us.

They didn’t realize that it was late and that we were tired.  Frankly, they didn’t have a clue as to what late or tired meant.  They were still alive, active, energetic and wanting to help.  Well, it was help to them but to us it was getting into stuff.  Mama had enough and so changed her “stop that” into “you better sit down and be quite.”  The girls got the message and came downstairs to help me.  “Papa what can we do?”

I’ll admit I wasn’t at my best either, and so I ignored their initial offer.  Relentless, they asked again, “Papa, what can we do?”  Let me tell you that children don’t rephrase their questions.  They keep asking them exactly the same way.  I knew that sooner or later I had to respond.  But really, their help wasn’t helping.  They tried pushing the bucket with the now dirty water in it.  But, their technique was primitive.  The water splashed on the walls.  Ooh!  “Papa, what can we do?”

It dawned on me that I should give them a clever answer.  I paused, looked up at them ready to give them the answer that would stop them from asking the same question and keep them from giving the help that actually made more work for me.  “Papa, what can we do?”  I answered, “You can keep loving me.”  Instantly and without thinking, my Khemberlyn responded: “I like that job.”

Her love filled smile arrested me.  I lay back on the floor, as tears filled my eyes, and savored that moment.  It is those honest and innocent snipets of grandchildren love that makes life worth living.  There is nothing in this world I would accept in trade for the privilege of being the grandfather to my grandchildren.  “I like that job!” 

Tags: LovingGrandchildren, familyvalues, family, parenting, grandparenting, BattleForTheFamily, BishopFrazier, CliffordL.Frazier,

The Charles Dickens quote: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” would seem to qualify as the motto of America over the past few years.  It has been the best of times because technological innovations have made life exciting.   It has opened up opportunities that just a few decades ago would have seemed unimaginable.   The Internet, the obvious crowning achievement of the technological revolution, has made millionaires out of ordinary people who probably would never had enjoyed wealth if they had to create it by traditional means.  The innovations introduced by technology made the world smaller.  At the same time it has made global access to people easy and common.
But it has also been the worst of times because the newly accepted climate of change fostered by technology’s influence literally redefined everything from work habits to social trends, that in so many cases has not been for the better.  While it will be argued against for some time, we believe that these new trends have severely challenged the very framework of what is called family.   There is a stark contrast between the technologically influenced nuevo-family and the family of a few decades ago.   The new family clusters seem so temporary in their duration and so fragmented in their construction.

Enduring relationships that span decades are threatened by the sheer amount of socially accepted alternatives that now enjoy complete freedom from scrutiny or scorn. We would like to suggest, however, that there remain some tried and true principles and practices for relationships that cannot be improved upon.  In other words, everything new is not necessarily better.  One area where the preceding observation is especially true is the institution we have euphemistically called “The Family of Friendship.”

You will notice that we cleverly tried to avoid using the term “Traditional Family” because we are well aware that decades, centuries and even millennia ago families have had challenges and failures.  But long before there were chat rooms and social networking where true identities are masked behind avatars and pseudonyms, there was the strength derived from family friends.  In our neighborhoods we had families “down the street” who became part of our family.  We ate at each other’s houses, spent the nights together and over time became so close that to being at their houses was almost as good as being in our own homes.
From this fabric of family friends are made the adorning garments that make a community special.  Years pass, careers are made and people move but the friendships endure.  “We haven’t seen each other for years, and yet now that we’re together it seems like we just saw each other yesterday” is the kind of observation often made by good friends.  So solid is this concept that the Bible acknowledges the power of a friend. Prov. 18:24b… and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.  Prov 17:17 “A friend loves at all times.”

Recently the circle of friends we are honored to be a part of endured a set of profound challenges that brought us all back together again.  We had deaths, sicknesses and a severe attack on the very livelihood of one of our friends.  Without a hint of hesitation, members of our Family of Friends responded to the needs of the group, as they would have had it been a national emergency. And within the context of our particular assignment being Family Ties we reflected on the ramifications of ministry, the theme of this month’s column.  While we strongly champion the institution of family, we caution us all to avoid the idea that all one needs is their family.  The idea is captured in the saying, “my wife and me; our four and no more.”  But we do need more.  We need people in our lives that care about us, are interested in us and that are prepared to support and help us.
One of the greatest blessings a person can enjoy is that of good friends who are committed to the relationship.  These people who do not share actual biological ties but who are so close to us that our children feel comfortable calling them aunts and uncles or cousins.  To do so is not a mere coincidence but rather demonstrates the powerful influence and meaning good friends bring to life.
And it is in the times of struggle and pain that the ministry of good friends is most appreciated.  For ministry is after all service.  It is the love of God expressed in acts of kindness, words of comfort, and the powerful and soothing effect just being there produces.
Developing the Family of Friendship in your life is not accomplished by accident.  The first part of the Bible verse we shared earlier states that to have friends you must show yourself friendly…  Ministry is about caring and in order to care one must overcome selfishness, protectionism and fear.  Actually the ability to be a good friend requires you to risk being hurt and unappreciated.  All attempts to develop meaningful relationships will not be successful.  Sometimes you have to love people alone.  But the risks associated with the ministry of friendship cannot compare to the rich benefits derived from investing in the lives of others.
The recommendation to “cast your bread upon the waters and in many days you will find it” applies to more than just financial matters.  There is a wonderful reciprocity built into ministering to others.  If you give, it shall be given back to you.  This is not just a promise, it is a principle- a kind of law of life.  In the worst of times for others your ministry as a family friend can turn it into the best of times.
Yes, technology has made a significant contribution to our lives.  Getting an email announcing that there is a greeting card waiting for us if we just click the link below is convenient.  But it does not have the same effect as going to the mailbox and finding a card with a personal note inside written in the handwriting of a friend that says I’ve been thinking about you does.
Won’t you take a moment now and call someone or drop by and let him or her know that you were thinking about them?  We know they will be glad that you did.  God bless you.

Tags: Family, technorev, divorce recovery, husbands, wives, children