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My nickname is “The TechnoRev” and for good reason.  I love technology.  I’m MAC’ed out and glad about it.  There is, however, a dark side to the insatiable thirst for gadgets.  For too many techno geeks their “family and friends” time and the quality of that time suffers.  The problem is serious enough to have drawn the attention of psychiatrists and sociologists.  They report that our culture’s social interaction skills and the associated benefits of building strong family and friend bonds are suffering because we are so into the electronic gadgets.

You know its true.  How many times have you made comments to others after watching and maybe even being irritated by people so into their smart phones, IPods, IPads (in the spirit of being unbiased) Android devices and Blackberrys that you said things like “what did we do before these phones?”   Actually, that is a very good question.  Work still got done; meetings were still attended and deadlines were met long before smartphones and even “aahhem” computers were available.  What is also true is there were more conversations at the dinner table?  What’s a dinner table you ask?  Precisely!  Board games and other interaction activities filled our leisure time.  We knew each other better and our families were stronger because of that fact.

Recently, I was invited to sit with a family as they processed the passing of their father.  I was prepared for an atmosphere of sadness and was ready to offer my professional consoling services.  When I arrived they all greeted me at the door with much love and happiness.  They showed me to the living room and asked me to sit with them.  Immediately, I saw the big screen TV, and almost as immediately, I was fidgety because it was not on.  Well technically, it was on but as a music player offering a constant stream of background music.

I started feeling electronically claustrophobic.  I felt like I was suffering from information blindness.  The screen was black except for the little icon that danced around the screen like the old Pac man video game.   My anxiety only lasted for a few minutes.  For soon all their family members gather in the same room and started talking.  They didn’t talk about their deceased father, nor get into a long dirge about his suffering.  Instead they told their stories.  Hours passed as they recounted delightful, funny, revealing and most entertaining tales that really comprised a kind of oral history of their lives together.   These people had been friends of mine for years.  But, I learned more about them in one evening than in all the other times we’d gone to dinner, the movies and other activities combined.

During the entire evening the only tears shed were the by-products of raucous laughter.  They recounted their childhood mischief; their science projects gone arwy, the common antics practiced by all children, and the well-known secrets their parents just knew were safe.  They celebrated each other’s victories and found some good even in the challenging setbacks and tragedies that were all a part of their family’s lore.  It was only when we got a glimpse of the wall clock reminding us that tomorrow was but 5 minutes away that we mutually agreed to call it a night.  As we made our way to the door you could still hear those satisfied sighs, the postscript chuckles produced by remembering again the stories just told.

What are your stories?  Do your children know your family history?   Take a vacation from TV, computers, smartphones, Wii, Xbox, and all other electron requiring devices and tell your stories.  The laughter will be medicine to your body, joy to your spirit and a glue that will keep your families together.  I hope this helps.

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Courtesy of Herd - the hidden truth about who we are

Have you ever said to yourself I wish I could do it all over again? You imagine that you’d do a better job of developing your relationship if only you could roll back the clock and start fresh? These feelings are usually your mental admission that you’ve been wrong in some areas of your relationship. You’re experiencing some regret now that you’re in your quiet time and can think things through. Harsh words, unfounded suspicions, temper tantrums and unrealistic expectations have dampened the enthusiasm you had for your life spent with that special someone.

Though we don’t like to admit it we know that there are consequences associated with our decisions. This reality only adds fuel to the fire of regret we endure. Our quiet time musings create long lists of “what ifs” and “we could have if only…” So we beat ourselves up because we have concluded that whatever is left is all we can hope for. Believe me you’re not the only one struggling in this area.

Well, I’ve got good news! I am going to get to the good news in a moment, but first a story. I chuckled when I wrote, “I’ve got good news” because I remembered a story where that phrase was the punch line. It was a small country church full of the fire of festive singing commonly called praise and worship. The atmosphere was charged with excitement because the church service was right there in that sweet spot of praise. All of a sudden, a loud voice was heard- so loud in fact that it caught the attention of the pastor. There in the balcony was a lady a “sister” frantically waving her hands while shouting to the top of her lungs the words “Pastor, I’ve got good news.”

It’s most unusual to have such an interruption in the church services. This fact heightened the expectation of all present and convinced the pastor that he should make an exception and allow everyone to hear this “good news.” The music stopped at his direction and a hush came over the congregation, as all ears were open to hear what God would say to them through his servant the “good news” crier.

All right sister what is the good news? “Pastor, pastor, I just wanted everyone to know that they are selling chicken wings for only $ .79 cents a pound at Piggly Wiggly’s!” What? You mean you interrupted the church service over some chicken wings…?

Ok, back to the real good news. My good news is that you don’t have to roll back the hands on the clock! Starting over is as simple as making the decision to change what you do and how you do it. You have the power to change your situation! Yes, it’s that simple. What is stopping you from changing? Nothing. If you know you react negatively and too quickly in everyday situations, slow up. If you know you are too suspicious of your companion even when there is no evidence to justify your misgivings. Stop it!

The change will be so dramatic that it will seem to all like Christmas. I dare say that your companion is hoping that things will get better. It is probably why they are still with you. Hope is a powerful motivation. Reward them by making the decision to build your relationship by showing you have the wherewithal to change.

You don’t have time to waste, but you do have enough time to make it work. You can be happy. You can be successful, and you can do it right now. Free yourself from regret, free your companion from frustration and set an example your children will be happy to imitate. In fact, you don’t even need help. This project you can do all by yourself. You only need to believe that “You have the power to change!” Use the power!

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This was it!  It was our second chance for happiness.  We were going to make sure we did everything right this time.  We read every book, newsletter, magazine and article that we could get our hands on about step-families.  We learned to take things slow and keep our expectations low.  We even planned a small, family wedding ceremony that included the boys.  After all, they were getting married too.

After being married for two months, I remember people asking how things were going with our new step-family.  We gladly responded, “Great!”  “We haven’t had any problems.  The boys get along very well.”  We even told each other that we must have done things right, because this step-family thing isn’t so hard after all.  Well, after a short honeymoon period, we began to experience normal step-family struggles.  Although they are normal, they are stressful and emotionally draining to all involved.

I brought two boys into the marriage, Corbin, age 7, and Chandler, age 6, and Mark brought one son, Zach, age 5, into the marriage.  Corbin is the most easy-going, even tempered, go-with-the-flow (this trait is especially important in a step-family) child you will ever meet.  Although he can be awfully oblivious at times, he is also very smart.  He is an honor student and plays baseball and football.  Corbin saw the advantages to being part of two families early on (two Birthdays, two Christmases, etc.) which helped his adjustment period.  Chandler is incredibly witty, kind-hearted, athletic, and full of life.  He does not like change and is very protective of his mom.  Chandler is also an honor student and plays football and baseball.  Zach is very energetic, caring, generous, and talkative.  Zach also does not like change and can at times be sensitive.  Zach too is an honor student and swims and plays football.  Having three boys one year apart each in age presents enough challenges without adding being part of a step-family to the mix.  And having two boys that were very resistant to change didn’t help either since step-family life is full of change.

After about three months, Chandler and Zach realized that this remarriage was real and that their parents were not going to reconcile after all.  With the realization that this new life was not going to end, Chandler and Zach seemed to blame each other for their disappointment.  We routinely heard “I hate him,” and “He hates me!”  They both thought that they were too different to get along.  They thought they didn’t like any of the same things or didn’t have anything in common.  At this point, Mark and I both thought, “I guess this is what step-family life is all about?”  We were confused, but realized that just like every other family, we were not perfect.  This is what all the books, newsletters, and articles were talking about.  We both felt caught in the middle.  You feel your child’s pain like it is your own, but are you capable of making everyone happy all the time?  As parents, we feel it’s our job to “fix” everything.  But how do you fix broken hearts, disappointments, grief, and feelings of insecurity?  You can’t force two people to love and care for one another.

After much, much discussion, Mark and I realized that their problem was not that they were too different, but that they were too much alike.  Of course, they didn’t see it that way.  They were only focused on the differences that divided them.  Mark and I are firm believers in the power of positive thinking and lots of prayer.  We know that a positive attitude can overcome anything, so by changing their perspective about their similarities and differences, we felt that we could change their attitudes.

We started by pointing out all the things that they had in common.  Some of them were small and insignificant (like the fact that neither of them liked to eat at dinner time but loved to snack or that they usually picked out the same toys) and others were not (they were both smart and in the gifted program or that they shared a lot of the same personality traits). Each day on a continual basis we continued redirect their focus to how much alike they were instead of how different they were.  Slowly but surely, they started to find common ground and began to get along.  They quit letting their differences divide them and became friends.  Now they truly care for and love one another.  They would never openly admit it, but what brothers would?  We tell the boys that “brother” is something you feel in your heart – not a matter of biology.

The change did not take place overnight, nothing does in a step-family, but the change in perspective that changed their attitudes toward each other has changed our whole family’s lives.  Now all three boys, who are currently 8, 9, and 10, get along as well or better than the biological brothers that we come in contact with.  I know that this is not the only challenge we will face, but with the power of positive thinking, changing your perspective and attitude, and guidance from God, I know that we will overcome even the teenage years.  It won’t be easy, but anything worth it never is.

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I prayed for my grandchildren this morning as is my custom.  I found myself focusing attention on my oldest – Khemberlyn.  This was not because she is my favorite because I love and cherish all my children in both generations.  I paid attention to her in that prayer because she just turned 5 and is about to enter public school.
Since birth our family has had almost exclusive access to her attention.  This access allowed us to enjoy powerful influence in her life.  Now, she is about to broaden her horizons and mingle with children who come from different backgrounds, cultures and whose parents have different life philosophies.  I know that her parents and her grandparents will now compete with others to influence her thinking and shape her perspectives.  Clearly, we need the help of God.  I was praying to keep ahead of the game.
After prayer I went to breakfast with one of the groups of our church.  We’re on a little weekend church trip.  It was a low-key event where fellowship and sharing was the main activity of the hour.  Right after eating their own meals, various members got up and mingled with others engaging in small talk.  Of course, being in close proximity to them, it was impossible not to hear some of the conversations.  The one that caught my attention was that of an old “mother in Zion.”  She started sharing her concerns and the content of her prayers with the saints sitting at the table next to mine.  I want to see my son saved.
What really got me was how open and honest she was about her son’s spiritual bankruptcy.  She outlined his struggles, albeit in a respectful manner, and then told of how she continues to pray for him.  She said, “my son is 53 years old, but I cannot give up on him.  I believe that one day God is going to save my son.”  Oh, you could just feel that mother’s love for her son and the confidence she had in her God.
I could hardly keep my seat or continue to act like I wasn’t listening.  This mother’s voice was strong, filled with resolve, but noticeably void of worry or impatience.  She had a strong faith that God was going to save her son.  Here I was praying for the Lord to protect and keep my five-year-old granddaughter, but this mother had been on her knees for over fifty years interceding for her son and still believing that God was a prayer answering God.  She was not giving up.
Her resolve reminded me of a conversion I witnessed in my home church while a very young man.  On one particular Sunday the service was in high gear; the preacher presented a powerful rendition of the saving grace message of Jesus Christ.  Suddenly, an old woman made her way to salvation’s altar walking in a deliberate but slow pace.  Her eyes were so dim that the glasses she needed were thicker than a magnifying glass.  But she made her way straight to the altar.  She was of Jamaican decent.  Her speech was heavily laced with that delightful accent.
“I am eighty four years old,” she began.  “I’ve lived my entire life, but I never heard of this wonderful savior called Jesus.  I am so grateful to know that he let me live to hear about his magnificent grace.”  Every Sunday thereafter she would stand up and wait for her turn to testify about her love for Jesus.  For some it was hard to believe that she was a recent convert because she spoke so eloquently about her new found savior.  Her testimonies electrified the services.  She was eighty-four when she received salvation.  She lived almost  two months more and then she rested in the loving arms of her savior.
Never give up!  Your prayers are neither wasted nor ineffective.  And why?  Because with God all things are possible.  Time is not his limitation; it is only a tool in his hands.  He is no respecter of persons and is good unto all that call upon him.  He is, after all, a prayer answering God.  Never give up!

Bishop Clifford L. Frazier

P.S. I finished my blog while traveling back home.  It was ready.  All I needed to do was get to my Internet connection and post it.  I got home and turned on the radio.  CNN had a show on dealing with people who had near death experiences.  I was about to turn the channel when the reporter asked the survivors what they took away from their experiences and this is what they said: “Never Give Up!”  I almost jumped out of my seat.  There is no question in my mind but that God is speaking.  I know that sometimes God gives to an individual something that is meant for them only.  So, you may be reading this and saying “ho hum.”  But I’ll have to take that chance.  Because I do believe that for someone this is a word of instruction, inspiration and insight – “Never Give Up.”

Tags: Nevergiveup, perserverance, inspiration, technorev, battleforthefamily, survival, CliffordL.Frazier,

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