Courtesy of Herd - the hidden truth about who we are

Have you ever said to yourself I wish I could do it all over again? You imagine that you’d do a better job of developing your relationship if only you could roll back the clock and start fresh? These feelings are usually your mental admission that you’ve been wrong in some areas of your relationship. You’re experiencing some regret now that you’re in your quiet time and can think things through. Harsh words, unfounded suspicions, temper tantrums and unrealistic expectations have dampened the enthusiasm you had for your life spent with that special someone.

Though we don’t like to admit it we know that there are consequences associated with our decisions. This reality only adds fuel to the fire of regret we endure. Our quiet time musings create long lists of “what ifs” and “we could have if only…” So we beat ourselves up because we have concluded that whatever is left is all we can hope for. Believe me you’re not the only one struggling in this area.

Well, I’ve got good news! I am going to get to the good news in a moment, but first a story. I chuckled when I wrote, “I’ve got good news” because I remembered a story where that phrase was the punch line. It was a small country church full of the fire of festive singing commonly called praise and worship. The atmosphere was charged with excitement because the church service was right there in that sweet spot of praise. All of a sudden, a loud voice was heard- so loud in fact that it caught the attention of the pastor. There in the balcony was a lady a “sister” frantically waving her hands while shouting to the top of her lungs the words “Pastor, I’ve got good news.”

It’s most unusual to have such an interruption in the church services. This fact heightened the expectation of all present and convinced the pastor that he should make an exception and allow everyone to hear this “good news.” The music stopped at his direction and a hush came over the congregation, as all ears were open to hear what God would say to them through his servant the “good news” crier.

All right sister what is the good news? “Pastor, pastor, I just wanted everyone to know that they are selling chicken wings for only $ .79 cents a pound at Piggly Wiggly’s!” What? You mean you interrupted the church service over some chicken wings…?

Ok, back to the real good news. My good news is that you don’t have to roll back the hands on the clock! Starting over is as simple as making the decision to change what you do and how you do it. You have the power to change your situation! Yes, it’s that simple. What is stopping you from changing? Nothing. If you know you react negatively and too quickly in everyday situations, slow up. If you know you are too suspicious of your companion even when there is no evidence to justify your misgivings. Stop it!

The change will be so dramatic that it will seem to all like Christmas. I dare say that your companion is hoping that things will get better. It is probably why they are still with you. Hope is a powerful motivation. Reward them by making the decision to build your relationship by showing you have the wherewithal to change.

You don’t have time to waste, but you do have enough time to make it work. You can be happy. You can be successful, and you can do it right now. Free yourself from regret, free your companion from frustration and set an example your children will be happy to imitate. In fact, you don’t even need help. This project you can do all by yourself. You only need to believe that “You have the power to change!” Use the power!

After being married for two months, I remember people asking how things were going with our new step-family.  We gladly responded, “Great!”  “We haven’t had any problems.  The boys get along very well.”  We even told each other that we must have done things right, because this step-family thing isn’t so hard after all.  Well, after a short honeymoon period, we began to experience normal step-family struggles.  Although they are normal, they are stressful and emotionally draining to all involved.

I brought two boys into the marriage, Corbin, age 7, and Chandler, age 6, and Mark brought one son, Zach, age 5, into the marriage.  Corbin is the most easy-going, even tempered, go-with-the-flow (this trait is especially important in a step-family) child you will ever meet.  Although he can be awfully oblivious at times, he is also very smart.  He is an honor student and plays baseball and football.  Corbin saw the advantages to being part of two families early on (two Birthdays, two Christmases, etc.) which helped his adjustment period.  Chandler is incredibly witty, kind-hearted, athletic, and full of life.  He does not like change and is very protective of his mom.  Chandler is also an honor student and plays football and baseball.  Zach is very energetic, caring, generous, and talkative.  Zach also does not like change and can at times be sensitive.  Zach too is an honor student and swims and plays football.  Having three boys one year apart each in age presents enough challenges without adding being part of a step-family to the mix.  And having two boys that were very resistant to change didn’t help either since step-family life is full of change.

After about three months, Chandler and Zach realized that this remarriage was real and that their parents were not going to reconcile after all.  With the realization that this new life was not going to end, Chandler and Zach seemed to blame each other for their disappointment.  We routinely heard “I hate him,” and “He hates me!”  They both thought that they were too different to get along.  They thought they didn’t like any of the same things or didn’t have anything in common.  At this point, Mark and I both thought, “I guess this is what step-family life is all about?”  We were confused, but realized that just like every other family, we were not perfect.  This is what all the books, newsletters, and articles were talking about.  We both felt caught in the middle.  You feel your child’s pain like it is your own, but are you capable of making everyone happy all the time?  As parents, we feel it’s our job to “fix” everything.  But how do you fix broken hearts, disappointments, grief, and feelings of insecurity?  You can’t force two people to love and care for one another.

After much, much discussion, Mark and I realized that their problem was not that they were too different, but that they were too much alike.  Of course, they didn’t see it that way.  They were only focused on the differences that divided them.  Mark and I are firm believers in the power of positive thinking and lots of prayer.  We know that a positive attitude can overcome anything, so by changing their perspective about their similarities and differences, we felt that we could change their attitudes.

We started by pointing out all the things that they had in common.  Some of them were small and insignificant (like the fact that neither of them liked to eat at dinner time but loved to snack or that they usually picked out the same toys) and others were not (they were both smart and in the gifted program or that they shared a lot of the same personality traits). Each day on a continual basis we continued redirect their focus to how much alike they were instead of how different they were.  Slowly but surely, they started to find common ground and began to get along.  They quit letting their differences divide them and became friends.  Now they truly care for and love one another.  They would never openly admit it, but what brothers would?  We tell the boys that “brother” is something you feel in your heart – not a matter of biology.

The change did not take place overnight, nothing does in a step-family, but the change in perspective that changed their attitudes toward each other has changed our whole family’s lives.  Now all three boys, who are currently 8, 9, and 10, get along as well or better than the biological brothers that we come in contact with.  I know that this is not the only challenge we will face, but with the power of positive thinking, changing your perspective and attitude, and guidance from God, I know that we will overcome even the teenage years.  It won’t be easy, but anything worth it never is.

Bishop Clifford L. Frazier

P.S. I finished my blog while traveling back home.  It was ready.  All I needed to do was get to my Internet connection and post it.  I got home and turned on the radio.  CNN had a show on dealing with people who had near death experiences.  I was about to turn the channel when the reporter asked the survivors what they took away from their experiences and this is what they said: “Never Give Up!”  I almost jumped out of my seat.  There is no question in my mind but that God is speaking.  I know that sometimes God gives to an individual something that is meant for them only.  So, you may be reading this and saying “ho hum.”  But I’ll have to take that chance.  Because I do believe that for someone this is a word of instruction, inspiration and insight – “Never Give Up.”

Tags: Nevergiveup, perserverance, inspiration, technorev, battleforthefamily, survival, CliffordL.Frazier,

At the end of the day, I look forward to hearing the noise of their little feet as they race to come to my office.  Always bright and excited, they come for their hugs and kisses that I’m all too eager to give.  Of course, they soon start touching things on my desk.  They rearrange things on my shelves.  And they are always looking for some candy or other treats to eat.  Are they spoiled?  I answer unashamedly – Yes!  Leave all that discipline stuff to their parents.  Sure, I huff and puff every now and then, but they know they’ve got me wrapped.

Mama and I have two daughters who each gave me two grandchildren.  My oldest daughter, Leah, gave us two sons, and my “babygirl” Janelle gave us two daughters.  Khemberlyn, my oldest has me under her spell, and she put me there on the day she was born.  Nylah, my second, has a very strong will, but she is so full of love.  Her affection is like the juice of a sweet peach that bursts out when you bite into it and runs down your arm to your elbow.  Jayden, my third, whose name means the Lord has heard, is “My Man!”  He makes me feel like I’m his champion.  Whenever he sees me, no matter what he’s doing, I can count on him dropping that and come running to see me.  If I leave, he has a fit if he can’t go with me.  And then there’s Landon, my L.A.M. of God, my miracle fourth.  Now you know I’ve got videos – http://gallery.me.com/technorev#100071.  Indeed his birth is its own story, but suffice it to say here that it is our whole family’s miracle from God.

The point of this story is to say again just how much the grandchildren can bring love, joy, peace and happiness into your life.  The other day the whole family came over to help Mama and me clean the house.  We decided to do a major job of freshning up the homestead.  It was now quite late.  We all were winding down looking forward to going to bed.  Both grandsons had already left with their parents.  But my granddaughters were still with us.

They didn’t realize that it was late and that we were tired.  Frankly, they didn’t have a clue as to what late or tired meant.  They were still alive, active, energetic and wanting to help.  Well, it was help to them but to us it was getting into stuff.  Mama had enough and so changed her “stop that” into “you better sit down and be quite.”  The girls got the message and came downstairs to help me.  “Papa what can we do?”

I’ll admit I wasn’t at my best either, and so I ignored their initial offer.  Relentless, they asked again, “Papa, what can we do?”  Let me tell you that children don’t rephrase their questions.  They keep asking them exactly the same way.  I knew that sooner or later I had to respond.  But really, their help wasn’t helping.  They tried pushing the bucket with the now dirty water in it.  But, their technique was primitive.  The water splashed on the walls.  Ooh!  “Papa, what can we do?”

It dawned on me that I should give them a clever answer.  I paused, looked up at them ready to give them the answer that would stop them from asking the same question and keep them from giving the help that actually made more work for me.  “Papa, what can we do?”  I answered, “You can keep loving me.”  Instantly and without thinking, my Khemberlyn responded: “I like that job.”

Her love filled smile arrested me.  I lay back on the floor, as tears filled my eyes, and savored that moment.  It is those honest and innocent snipets of grandchildren love that makes life worth living.  There is nothing in this world I would accept in trade for the privilege of being the grandfather to my grandchildren.  “I like that job!” 

Tags: LovingGrandchildren, familyvalues, family, parenting, grandparenting, BattleForTheFamily, BishopFrazier, CliffordL.Frazier,

Enduring relationships that span decades are threatened by the sheer amount of socially accepted alternatives that now enjoy complete freedom from scrutiny or scorn. We would like to suggest, however, that there remain some tried and true principles and practices for relationships that cannot be improved upon.  In other words, everything new is not necessarily better.  One area where the preceding observation is especially true is the institution we have euphemistically called “The Family of Friendship.”

You will notice that we cleverly tried to avoid using the term “Traditional Family” because we are well aware that decades, centuries and even millennia ago families have had challenges and failures.  But long before there were chat rooms and social networking where true identities are masked behind avatars and pseudonyms, there was the strength derived from family friends.  In our neighborhoods we had families “down the street” who became part of our family.  We ate at each other’s houses, spent the nights together and over time became so close that to being at their houses was almost as good as being in our own homes.
From this fabric of family friends are made the adorning garments that make a community special.  Years pass, careers are made and people move but the friendships endure.  “We haven’t seen each other for years, and yet now that we’re together it seems like we just saw each other yesterday” is the kind of observation often made by good friends.  So solid is this concept that the Bible acknowledges the power of a friend. Prov. 18:24b… and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.  Prov 17:17 “A friend loves at all times.”

Recently the circle of friends we are honored to be a part of endured a set of profound challenges that brought us all back together again.  We had deaths, sicknesses and a severe attack on the very livelihood of one of our friends.  Without a hint of hesitation, members of our Family of Friends responded to the needs of the group, as they would have had it been a national emergency. And within the context of our particular assignment being Family Ties we reflected on the ramifications of ministry, the theme of this month’s column.  While we strongly champion the institution of family, we caution us all to avoid the idea that all one needs is their family.  The idea is captured in the saying, “my wife and me; our four and no more.”  But we do need more.  We need people in our lives that care about us, are interested in us and that are prepared to support and help us.
One of the greatest blessings a person can enjoy is that of good friends who are committed to the relationship.  These people who do not share actual biological ties but who are so close to us that our children feel comfortable calling them aunts and uncles or cousins.  To do so is not a mere coincidence but rather demonstrates the powerful influence and meaning good friends bring to life.
And it is in the times of struggle and pain that the ministry of good friends is most appreciated.  For ministry is after all service.  It is the love of God expressed in acts of kindness, words of comfort, and the powerful and soothing effect just being there produces.
Developing the Family of Friendship in your life is not accomplished by accident.  The first part of the Bible verse we shared earlier states that to have friends you must show yourself friendly…  Ministry is about caring and in order to care one must overcome selfishness, protectionism and fear.  Actually the ability to be a good friend requires you to risk being hurt and unappreciated.  All attempts to develop meaningful relationships will not be successful.  Sometimes you have to love people alone.  But the risks associated with the ministry of friendship cannot compare to the rich benefits derived from investing in the lives of others.
The recommendation to “cast your bread upon the waters and in many days you will find it” applies to more than just financial matters.  There is a wonderful reciprocity built into ministering to others.  If you give, it shall be given back to you.  This is not just a promise, it is a principle- a kind of law of life.  In the worst of times for others your ministry as a family friend can turn it into the best of times.
Yes, technology has made a significant contribution to our lives.  Getting an email announcing that there is a greeting card waiting for us if we just click the link below is convenient.  But it does not have the same effect as going to the mailbox and finding a card with a personal note inside written in the handwriting of a friend that says I’ve been thinking about you does.
Won’t you take a moment now and call someone or drop by and let him or her know that you were thinking about them?  We know they will be glad that you did.  God bless you.

Tags: Family, technorev, divorce recovery, husbands, wives, children

What happened to wisdom? It used to be that one of the real assets in being a part of a family was access to passed down wisdom. We remember what it was like as children to hear our fathers tell stories. We would be sitting at the dinner table or riding in the car and before you knew it the stories would flow.

But there was a mission behind the stories. They were really dispensed wisdom in story form. Of course, over the years, we had heard the stories so much we knew the punch lines, the object lessons and even the verbiage of the stories. And yes, we would fuss and roll our eyes, behind their backs only, when we heard the opening line of their stories because we knew them backwards and forwards.

It wasn’t until we got grown that we realized that the whole intent of the stories was to saturate our thinking with the wisdom they brought with them. One of the major object lessons from the stories was the warning not to be so heavenly minded that we were no earthly good. Ok, dad, maybe you’ve gone too far we thought. Would Jesus approve of anything called wisdom that dared to challenge the spirituality of a person? Surely not!

The truth is the “truism” of heavenly minded/earthly good has nevertheless served us well down through the years and of course Jesus didn’t mind. Here is the crux of the matter. Faith, a positive attitude, even resiliency are all wonderful attributes that help us cope with uncertainties in life. However, if they are either misunderstood or worse misapplied, their use can produce devastating consequences.

Yes, God will provide, he’s a bridge over troubled waters, and more. But he also expects us to be balanced and reasoned in our approach to handling our affairs. We like the often overlooked observation in the Joshua’s book. The children of Israel had successfully crossed over into the Promised Land. There is a little sentence that has major value in his book. The quote is “…and the manna ceased or stopped.” What! That’s it, you ask? Yes, that’s it. The manna stopped.

All while the children of Israel were walking blindly through the wilderness, having no sense of direction or purpose, but knowing that their very survival was completely dependent upon God’s direct intervention, God provided the food for them in the form of manna. But when He brought them to the place where they were to live out their destinies, he stopped directly feeding them with the understanding that now they had the capacity to feed themselves. So, the manna stopped.

We are often confronted with families that are teetering on the brink of disaster. They come to us desperate for quick answers. Really though they want quick answers to a problem that has been slowly developing! The real problem though is while they were busy living, they failed to properly handle the family business. But when they talk to us they are quick to reassure us that God is going to work it out.

While that sounds like faith, in many cases it is nothing more than denial. We are very strong advocates for having an active and energized faith. But we are advocates of the process of initiative, smart work and common sense as well – even if it is not as common as it used to be.

Hiding bill envelopes in the desk drawer with the idea of getting to it sooner or later is not good business. Avoiding meeting with creditors because you don’t like “drama” is not good business. And waiting until the day before the court date or the deadline before reaching out for help and a solution is not good business. Let us give you some tips for the proper handling of “Family Business.”

First understand that there really is something called Family Business. Think of your family as a corporation. You have a product – a successful family lifestyle. Your mission statement could be something like, having a vision for the future, we prepare now one day at a time. Your vision statement could be “Making sure our children call us blessed.”

The CEO of the corporation is the head of the house. The chief operating officer and financial comptroller is probably your companion. Your work force should include your children. Yes, there is nothing wrong with giving work assignments to your children. It does wonders for building character in them. Your accounts receivables are your incomes. Of course, your accounts payable are your bills. Your assets are all the valuable things you own. You have a family business.

Here are some tips for making the family business work. First, acknowledge that you have a family business and that it needs to be cared for and developed. Secondly, learn the value of outsourcings. It’s called getting some help. The things that you’re good at you should do. But if you know that you cannot handle money for instance, outsource. Let someone trustworthy help keep your Family Business solvent.

Third, have regular business meetings. The management committee should never be in the dark about the issues associated with the Family Business. Decisions made should be the result of open and honest discussions. Don’t forget to develop an incentive program to reward you when business goals are met. A nice business meeting in Hawaii every now and then really works. Most importantly make sure that the business is solid enough to thrive even after the principles have retired.

Oh, before we end, let us remind you to tell your stories. Someone can benefit from you retelling both what you did well and what you didn’t.

Good people proud of their work ethic have to wrestle with the perception that people who don’t work nearly as hard seem to be enjoying much greater success. What is the problem they wonder? The answer is hard work is not as valuable as smart work. Discovering the best way to work is much more rewarding that working your fingers to the bone.

This reality is also quite valuable when the subject is interpersonal relationships – our fancy term for getting along in the family. Let us appeal once again to conventional wisdom for family relationships. Much of what we know about how to get along in families is really a compiled body of ideas and methods which have been touted from one generation to the other. These ideas are presented by mothers to their daughters while dinner is prepared or by fathers to their sons as they work on cars.

The picture of wisdom being passed down from generation to generation is endearing. However, passed down ideas, recommendations and quaint sayings don’t qualify to be called “Wisdom” just because they come from mothers and fathers or from the older generation to the younger. Wisdom is wisdom because whatever is being called wise actually works, is safe and produces results. Wisdom, when followed, should allow its hearer to avoid the hazards of risky behavior

For hard workers hard work is the solution to all issues. Whatever is wrong can be made right with hard work. In family relationships, love is thought to be the panacea for conflict resolution and for insuring that long and happy lives together are realized. But with the dramatic rise in dysfunctional families being so easy to prove, the hard reality is love alone is not enough. Love won’t fix everything and love as powerful as it is cannot make the mortgage payment.

One day we received an emergency call to come quickly. The wife was running down the street away from her home as if she was being chased by a predator. When we finally caught up to her driving alongside her she declared that she couldn’t take it anymore. We offered to help. We couldn’t imagine what was so bad for her that she would literally run away.

When we brought her back to the house we found her husband sitting looking bewildered and distraught. He protested, “I’ve tried to do the right thing and she won’t work with me.” The normally quiet wife erupted with her response, “Why do I have to beg for money to buy stockings?” We know you’re thinking, please tell us about a real problem. Well, this is a real problem.

The husband was dedicated to making sure that his family’s future was financially secure. He was so disciplined that he could account for every penny he’d earned – literally! So, even though he worked a middle class level job, he was determined to manage his money, ooopps we mean their money, in such a way that no matter what happened they would be prepared.

He was doing the right thing, but clearly he was doing it the wrong way. His goal was admirable. However, he was so driven to do the right thing that his methods of getting it done were driving his wife out of his life. It is right to prepare for the future, but it is wrong to be so focused on the future that you miss all the joy of living in the present.

A father concerned about his daughter’s reputation and afraid of what her life would be like if she got pregnant, scrutinized her every move. He monitored her calls, screened all her friends, searched her belongings, and was suspicious of any requests she made to go out. He was going to insure that she grew up right. Unfortunately, all he guaranteed was that his daughter would grow up hating her father.

He was doing the right thing but definitely the wrong way. Being a concerned and involved parent is right, but creating an atmosphere of tension and suspicion in the very place where love, nurturing and affirmation should reign supreme is wrong.

In both of these examples the actions of the principles were shaped by what they thought was the right way. But a sustained success depends upon much more than themes and easily remembered wise sayings. The themes and saying may point you in the right direction but knowing what works for you takes time, a lot of effort and, believe it or not, trial and error – a major source of wisdom.

If you notice that too many things you’re trying to accomplish seem instead to be producing anxiety, tension and trouble in your home, ask yourself am I trying to do the right thing the wrong way? If your heart answers back yes, then grab the courage you need to change. Remember you’re half way there because you’re doing the right thing and soon you’ll be doing it the right way. God bless you.

Bishop & Mama

Probably the most important lesson of all, love, almost has more teachers than students. It seems that everyone has something to say about love. Forrest Gump knows what “Love” is. An understandably cynical Tina Turner wonders ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It?’ Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway impatiently demand to know ‘Where is the Love…you said you’d give to me as soon as you were free; will it ever be?’ Oh, and here is a piece of advice ‘If You Can’t Be With the one You Love, Love the one you’re with.’ A prominent newspaper cartoon artist teaches that ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ And, the rainbow movement insists that it doesn’t matter whom you choose to love because love is love.

What are the lessons behind the lessons? Forrest impregnates Jenny, a childhood friend from a broken and abusive home, who cannot bring herself to commit or marry. Tina isn’t very keen on love when the one who is supposed to love her assumes that love entitles him to beat, humiliate and selfishly manipulate her. Where is the Love? The question belongs in the mouth of the about to be jilted husband and wife who are being accused of enslaving their companions and whose love is about to be stolen. Commitment is thrown away when we are encouraged to ‘love the one you’re with’ for no other reason than that you don’t have access to the one you love.

Love doesn’t come from unrealistic expectations. So, why should we expect that we would never have to say we’re sorry? Saying you’re sorry is a form of asking for forgiveness. One of the real treasures of a true relationship is being able to ask for and receive forgiveness. Misunderstandings even unintended conflict problems are parts of relationships. But they are resolved with forgiveness. Being forgiven can actually improve relationships.

As far as we’re concerned the best love teacher is God our father and the best love textbook is 1 Corinthians 13. Hear its words of instructions as found in the Message Bible version: Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies.

This is one lesson plan that needs no revisions but does come with a promise. Build your relationships according to this blueprint and you will both know love and be loving. For this lesson contains underlying themes that are the key components of Love. These components include self-sacrifice, unwavering commitment, patience, contentment, the spirit of an encourager, the ability to rebound from disappointments, the grace to offer second chances, and dependability.

How can we consider the concept of love without consulting the greatest expression of Love to be found anywhere? We realize that the best example of Love comes from Love himself. He is the best one to consult when learning about love is the desire. And we reject the complaint that the standard is too high. The love lessons he presents were written with us in mind. We really don’t need to tell you the story. All we need to do is give you the code – St. John 3:16! God so loved that he gave… The concept of giving as the expression of love is in stark contrast to the prevailing expectation of love in our time.

So many people believe that getting things or favors or advantages should reward their love. Not so, giving is the key. Remember when you were feeling low? Maybe you lost a basketball game, maybe you did poorly on a school test, or no one asked you to the prom? You came home sullen and dejected. It was the simple but powerful act of your mother or father giving you a hug and kind words telling you that everything was going to be all right that healed your wounds.

It could be that not too long ago you started thinking about how much you’ve done for your family or your business. You felt unappreciated. You were exhausted and contemplated giving up. Then on a day of no particular significance you arrive at your desk to find a beautifully wrapped box there. You can’t tell right away what it is or whom it’s from, but you tear open the package to find a beautiful gift with a note attached. As you read the message a smile or tears or both change your face. That one act of giving erased months of built up frustration. Love that gives is powerful.

Now if the best love is a giving love then the best giving love is the love that gives to those that cannot give back. Make someone’s day; change someone’s life view by showing the love that will turn bitter into sweet.

We are in the season of giving and loving of family and friends. We wish you much happiness, joy, and peace. But most of all our hope and prayer for you is that the promise of a new year will be the promise of love. God bless you.

It had been a long time since I had been on a horse. And I had some concern about doing so that day. However, not willing to buck the trend, I decided to ride the horse. However, at the last moment, the organizer decided that the horse I had picked to ride wasn’t the best horse for me. They switched me into the largest horse they had. I mounted the horse and took off riding towards a small lake. I was doing well until the horse decided to take me where I didn’t want to go.

I asked a horse to stop; “Whoa I said!” The next thing I knew I was flying through the air and landed on my shoulder dislocating it. I tell this story because of what happened afterwards. I was rushed to the local hospital, and they provided very good care. But the first thing they asked me when I arrived at the hospital, long before asking me how I felt, was if I had insurance. I didn’t get to see a doctor, radiology technician or even a nurse until the hospital was satisfied that I could pay for the treatments.

The economic uncertainties we all face have produced an anxiety that is real and will persist for the foreseeable future. It is in times of economic challenges that families reassess their financial conditions. This assessment includes ranking all expenditures based upon perceived need, essential need and things that they could do without. Unfortunately, too often healthcare expenditures end up in the “what they could do without” category.

This is most unfortunate. Why? Because maintaining good health is both a long-term and short-term benefit. The short-term benefit of course is finding and fixing medical issues to restore us to health. The long-term benefit is that our dreams, visions and goals are better realized because we are around to see them fulfilled.

The truth is that maintaining a health program is usually more cost effective because the sooner issues are managed the great the likelihood that the remedy will take a shorter amount of time to produce, and therefore be less expensive.

The reality though for so many of our families is that there is no real policy established for our health management just like many families do not have a real policy for dealing with their finances. Too often health issues are only dealt with when emergencies demand our attention. The sad fact though is that by the time we are forced to deal with health issues the conditions usually are much more serious and difficult to treat than they would have been if a health program was in place.

We realize that the issues of healthcare in families are not solely a problem of economics. There are other fundamental pressures brought to bear on this problem. Namely, the cultural thoughts, persistent myths and ideas about the healthcare system, doctors specifically. These myths include the idea that if you have surgery for cancer that once they “open you up and the air hits the cancer, it will spread like wildfire.”

Other thoughts include suspicions about doctors’ abilities, medicines’ real effectiveness and the desperate belief that there are real cures to be found in holding pieces of quarts crystals, eating ground up rhinoceros horns and other things. Many men feel that seeking medical attention for their issues is a sign of weakness. When they feel pain, many of them believe that they should “take it like a man” and not complain. Probably, the most often used myth is the thought that even after people perceive that something is wrong because they feel pain or notice a growth that didn’t exist before or they detect a lump below the surface of the skin, that if they just leave it alone it will go away!

The net effect of these myths is that people avoid or postpone seeking medical care in many cases until it is too late. Most of the myths about healthcare are totally without merit. Cancer doesn’t spread because of exposure to air during surgery. In fact, when detected early, many cancer growths can be removed while the cancer is still restricted to the tissue it is affecting. Rhinoceros horns are made of the same thing as your fingernails. Have you ever heard of people biting their fingernails and getting healed? There is no real virtue in enduring pain. Usually, pain is often a warning sign signaling a problem in the body that needs to be addressed.

Advances in medical procedures now offer great hope for conditions that just a few years ago were unthinkable. Many more tests are now conducted in non-invasive manners. With the same amount of time and effort it takes to go online to find out what movie is playing at the theatre, you can find a wealth of information about free clinics, medical information, and the availability of specialists for all kinds of issues.

Ignorance is not bliss nor is silence golden if the lack of information and the failure to talk about problems keep you from good and effective healthcare. You owe it to yourself and the members of your family to reprioritize your spending decisions and reevaluate your ideas about healthcare. Reminiscing about the good ole days while flipping through the pages of the family photo album is nice, but a picture will never be as good as having you there to laugh with us when we see how you dressed back in the day.

Life isn’t nearly long enough as it is, let’s do everything we can to keep it. Our family needs you. We need to keep hearing your stories though we’ve heard them a thousand times before. We need to keep tasting your secret recipe favorite dish. And we need to be able to run into your arms and have you hold us tightly while you whisper in our ears that everything is going to be all right. By the way, I’ve decided that the next horse I ride will be in heaven. 3 John 1:2
Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. God bless you.

From the throne room to any boy’s room there is an almost desperate need for fathers or the fathering spirit. Great care must be given to make the distinction between fathers and males who sire children. In our society, where run away promiscuity is swiftly becoming the accepted norm, the need to distance the concept of father from that yet to be determined term for males having babies is great.

Indeed the gift of a fathering spirit is so special that God chooses to use the concept of father to describe his relationship with us. The fathering spirit is that rich blend of leadership, strength, courage, the ability to provide, compassion, wisdom and love found nowhere else in the human experience. Indeed we all must cherish and celebrate the brave women, whom left to themselves, devote their full energies to insuring that their children are cared for, nurtured and developed.

Those efforts are great and appreciated, but they do not qualify them to be called both mothers and fathers to their children.