One of the hardest realities for highly motivated people to accept is the notion that hard work is not always the best way to get things done. Conventional wisdom suggests that if you work hard and harder, great things will come to you. Too often though the hard workers are disillusioned because their hard work hasn’t produced the rewards they had hoped to achieve.

Good people proud of their work ethic have to wrestle with the perception that people who don’t work nearly as hard seem to be enjoying much greater success. What is the problem they wonder? The answer is hard work is not as valuable as smart work. Discovering the best way to work is much more rewarding that working your fingers to the bone.

This reality is also quite valuable when the subject is interpersonal relationships – our fancy term for getting along in the family. Let us appeal once again to conventional wisdom for family relationships. Much of what we know about how to get along in families is really a compiled body of ideas and methods which have been touted from one generation to the other. These ideas are presented by mothers to their daughters while dinner is prepared or by fathers to their sons as they work on cars.

The picture of wisdom being passed down from generation to generation is endearing. However, passed down ideas, recommendations and quaint sayings don’t qualify to be called “Wisdom” just because they come from mothers and fathers or from the older generation to the younger. Wisdom is wisdom because whatever is being called wise actually works, is safe and produces results. Wisdom, when followed, should allow its hearer to avoid the hazards of risky behavior

For hard workers hard work is the solution to all issues. Whatever is wrong can be made right with hard work. In family relationships, love is thought to be the panacea for conflict resolution and for insuring that long and happy lives together are realized. But with the dramatic rise in dysfunctional families being so easy to prove, the hard reality is love alone is not enough. Love won’t fix everything and love as powerful as it is cannot make the mortgage payment.

One day we received an emergency call to come quickly. The wife was running down the street away from her home as if she was being chased by a predator. When we finally caught up to her driving alongside her she declared that she couldn’t take it anymore. We offered to help. We couldn’t imagine what was so bad for her that she would literally run away.

When we brought her back to the house we found her husband sitting looking bewildered and distraught. He protested, “I’ve tried to do the right thing and she won’t work with me.” The normally quiet wife erupted with her response, “Why do I have to beg for money to buy stockings?” We know you’re thinking, please tell us about a real problem. Well, this is a real problem.

The husband was dedicated to making sure that his family’s future was financially secure. He was so disciplined that he could account for every penny he’d earned – literally! So, even though he worked a middle class level job, he was determined to manage his money, ooopps we mean their money, in such a way that no matter what happened they would be prepared.

He was doing the right thing, but clearly he was doing it the wrong way. His goal was admirable. However, he was so driven to do the right thing that his methods of getting it done were driving his wife out of his life. It is right to prepare for the future, but it is wrong to be so focused on the future that you miss all the joy of living in the present.

A father concerned about his daughter’s reputation and afraid of what her life would be like if she got pregnant, scrutinized her every move. He monitored her calls, screened all her friends, searched her belongings, and was suspicious of any requests she made to go out. He was going to insure that she grew up right. Unfortunately, all he guaranteed was that his daughter would grow up hating her father.

He was doing the right thing but definitely the wrong way. Being a concerned and involved parent is right, but creating an atmosphere of tension and suspicion in the very place where love, nurturing and affirmation should reign supreme is wrong.

In both of these examples the actions of the principles were shaped by what they thought was the right way. But a sustained success depends upon much more than themes and easily remembered wise sayings. The themes and saying may point you in the right direction but knowing what works for you takes time, a lot of effort and, believe it or not, trial and error – a major source of wisdom.

If you notice that too many things you’re trying to accomplish seem instead to be producing anxiety, tension and trouble in your home, ask yourself am I trying to do the right thing the wrong way? If your heart answers back yes, then grab the courage you need to change. Remember you’re half way there because you’re doing the right thing and soon you’ll be doing it the right way. God bless you.

Bishop & Mama